Soul searching is ON

I am bored upto the core!!!

I had an interview few weeks back. those two weeks were best till now as I was busy and had something to do. I studied day and night and dont know how time went by. I cracked the first interview and failed(looks like) in the second one. The guy didnt like me it seems... Anyway. I realized selling yourself is so difficult even if you are asking half the marked price in return.

After that disappointment and few realizations I came back to my usual routine of checking others blogs, reading useless stuff etc.. I cleaned house, did some sewing chatted with every other person online. Spoke to relatives in India( who are still sane). I didn't actually talk to everybody with whom I love to talk because I do not go and approach others myself..( a bad habit/nature of mine.. am infamous for that) . I read lots of books(lots in my definition). Coming back to the main point. I have nothing to do and am bored.

I am talking to females who are either enjoying their happy married life and enjoy cooking for their family all day and talking to the thousands of relatives on topics like food/latest movies/woman's health etc etc.. eeee.. at times..its boring man.. For how long can you talk about it??? May be I am the one who is odd. OR there are times when I am talking to young blood. Girls/females on new generation. Happy enjoying American culture, style and in a way enjoying everything which makes them fit in America ( I do not know the full story of their end so should not comment more). Its good and I don't mind it as long as I am not supposed to change myself to be with them and they respect my personal style may be unique it is or may be an odd one.. So overall I am trying to find myself. Where am I? Who am I? What am I?

10 years back I used to sob in my room with doors closed as I wanted to go away from my house and see the real world learn lots of things. Not that there was anything wrong at my house. I just wanted to be outside and be myself which was impossible at home with my parents of 1940s. Now I know why my dad used to tell me learn how to make rotis.... till this date I cannot make round-even rotis which is another embarrassment at your in-laws. Though I enjoy cooking and love to cook for everybody but not in a way of impressing relatives/friends as its a competition or exhibition of my womanhood. Again I am distracting from topic... So 10 years back I fought/cried/pleaded that I want to be away from this place you all call home. Somehow with lot of trouble I managed to convince and left home. Happy I was when I was in the real world. Ohh its not good at all. But I was enjoying. Those all alone traveling in state buses of western UP, peer pressure at college (you know what I mean .. there are things other than studying at college) and much not to be mentioned here. Overall it was sweet pain. Every moment I struggled but I knew its the for the good and I am becoming something. By the way nothing worked well.. though I got a personality, street smartness, attitude but I was not a big success in my college. Career wise a failure:) what a shock and hard blow it was. Now what? No job, no hope.. back to home? NOooooooo. I realized getting a job is the most important thing in this world we live in. So lets get a job and to get a job get a degree. It was not such a simple theory I thought a lot and had good reasoning to come to this decision which I wont disclose. I decided to take one more chance and prove myself. By this time I had tried proving myself almost one thousand times and my family was sick of me. They knew she cannot do anything and just want to trouble us. This was the most interesting-painful time:). At this time I had no family support but I was smart. I knew crying like a baby will give me nothing from them. They just don't want to be troubled. I did everything on my own which is almost impossible. Thanks to a bunch of wonderful friends I have. I am always thankful to God for this one thing. Overall it was tough. I can recall I used to have amazing level of energy. Don't know from where did I get it. May be it was my last chance to prove myself. So the plan was, get degree to get a job, be independent and work little. That's all I wanted in my life. Come back and agree to what parents want. Marry the guy they ask me to marry. Simple!

Now landing in the land of opportunities makes things little different. I realized US is not a great place. People when talk to their family back in India never show their sad face and say all the great things about US. OMG its a pathetic place to be. Anyway, now there is no going back. Actually there was no way of going back even if I want to. Somehow I finished school got a job and degree and my plan was successful. Just that the going back to India and marrying part didn't work out the way I thought. My parents were finding guys and wanted me to interview and be interviewed????? I was a rebel again. By this time.. I was too smart or too rude or whatever it is. I troubled them once more and married to the love of my life. Now my family is happy and satisfied as their 1940's style fate of a daughter is a reality. For them she is happily married and I do not trouble them anymore!

Soul searching is still on. Who am I? Where do I fit? What do I want to do in life? and NOW I trouble my husband.